Chaos Behind My Eyes

I’ve always been accused of having such a calm easy going demeanor, nothing could be further from the truth. People just can’t see life from my side of the eyes I look upon the world. True I project what I want them to see and feel while I try to figure out where we’re going photographically. But I am trying to get a feel for the magic of what is hopefully about to happen, giving that chemistry time and space to happen in. Whether in my tiny little apartment studio, or in a vacant house, or farm, or even some field somewhere magic works best when it is unrushed.

I’m often asked by a model what I’m shooting, and if it’s a head shot why are they are nude, that question usually come from the uniformed. I smile and say that I’m studying the way their bodies moves, but it’s so much more. It’s the angles I’m looking at, the way the light plays over the curves, and I’m giving them time to relax and get comfortable with me and themselves so that their bodies move naturally. I don’t usually see a lot of tension in them, after all they agreed to pose nude in the first place, but it takes time for that comfort to grow, and for them to become unaware of me or my camera. It take time for them to grow comfortable enough that they start talking about life, love and their body’s quirks. It take them time to grow comfortable we me, to trust me with their lives as well as their bodies.

My friend Dave has the right idea, getting to know each other for a day or two, go camping in the forest primeval, or just have them around for dinner and a fire, get to know each other as work-mates but as friend also. It pays to have an understanding wife or soul-mate, it helps to have a place way out in the middle of nowhere. But the rest of us have to do the best we can with what we have, and you can build that bond, but you can’t rush it. That bring us back to that chaos I was talking about, remember that.

So much of the chaos comes from knowing I have a lot to make happen in the time allotted me, plus I have to be right on with the technical stuff as well to get the results I want so that final print will turn out the way I want. It’s that terror, that absolute panic that I live to master, to get under control, that delicate dance I must do on the edge of a sword to get the results I want. I love real film, the unpredictably of the medium, any other way seems like cheating to me. I love the terror of it quite the way I love getting to know my models, to tell them they have a nice little tush when really, I mean it.



Dave

Mea Culpa

Where to begin, first I apologize to all who missed me. I took a break from writing, and concentrated on home and hearth. My health is fine, and my sprites are as well. I’ve been going to group sessions for my stroke, passing on the information I have for people in the same position I was a few years ago. It’s kinda hard on me, being on the same floor I was, walking down the same hallways, but I’m so much better now. I’ve seen the people I’m trying to reach listening to me, taking some comfort from the things I share. The staff too seems to be happy I’m there to give their patients some hope for their future. Each month it’s a new group I interact with, sometimes there’s a hold over, or family members comes back to find help, to get some answers. I try my damnest to be honest as I can, and warn about the pitfalls as well. In the end I guess that’s all I can do to make life easier, to shed some light where everything seems so dark.

I’m making friends with the physiologists, he sometimes share his own personal pain in his life as well. It’s an easy group, almost like talking with family, but better somehow. I guess it’s because I get to go home afterward's , and don’t have to see them till the next month. But it so nice to be able to share things with them, I tell the patients that so lucky to have the services of the physiologist were as I had to figure this out all on my own. I had my stroke too early to get this help, it wasn’t until last year that they figured out that stroke was so debilitating, and that there was good money to be made as well. Funny how the profit motive comes into play, I can’t say that my hands are clean either. I have an idea for a book on my experiences, I’m looking to find out what questions get asked the most. Mea culpa indeed..., but I really can’t see making much money on my project, enough to cover the cost of printing. Fame doesn’t interest me, I’ve seen first hand how much it cost you personally. One loses a lot of their freedom, you are always on your guard in case you say or do the wrong thing when people are watching.

So as I say, life goes on, and I’m lucky to be a part of it. Obviously I didn’t really want to die, and I didn’t but there I was stuck with a mind that had betrayed me. I’ve gone though a lot to get back to almost were I was to begin with so I guess I have a story to tell as well as a life to live. I’ll update as the sprite wills, don’t hold me to a date certain. Life has taken a turn for the better now and I mean to enjoy it, as well as the people who love me.