Assistant

In my assistant days I used to work with some very creative and high strung guys and some girls. The guys outnumbered the girls by a huge percentage because the guys seem to love the challenge. Not just the creative challenge but the inherent fiscal nature of risks. This is a really tough business to make a living off of. The risks are tremendous and the reward not all that great especially now. I used to have a lots of clients who were out-of-town shooters. They found me through word of mouth or referrals. When the economy turns down only a big client base will keep you going and I had the best.
One of my shooter’s was a guy from California, he was a food shooter for Bon Appetit. His studio manager booked me over the phone and we agreed on a price and the ground rules for the shoot. It was out in the hill-country, a bed and breakfast that they had heard about and were doing a story on. When I met the photographer on the set he took exception to my day-rate, he was willing to pay but only if he liked my work. I told him that I’d never received any complaints and that if he wasn’t satisfied he wouldn’t have to pay me at all. My confidence sort of rocked him and that was the beginning of a long and profitable relationship that took me to some interesting places. The editor was from New York and she was quite the challenge also. In a lull during the shoot I got busy prepping the table we were shooting, she ask me what I thought I was doing. I told her that I was dressing the napkins, showing the smooth side rater than the fold. My photographer smiled and I knew I’d get paid what I wanted.

I also worked for a guy from Detroit, he was a car shooter from a the Big Three. I was referred by the guy who was working the shoot locally. He had taken the photographer location scouting and really didn’t know his way around the city or the country side. The photographer told me on the first meeting that he hoped I was better than the guy helping him. They had apparently had a fruitless day of searching and he wasn’t in a mood for a repeat. I was confident that I knew the places that he wanted but first I had to know exactly what it was that he was looking for first. Then we started our search from the farthest location and worked our way back into town. The local guy told me that he was glad it was me in the car with the photographer and not him. But the photographer was fine just under a tremendous amount of pressure to shoot and had bad mood swings. I helped tame that by knowing not only some great locations but my knowledge of restaurants helped.

I say all this not because I think that I know everything or that I’m a perfect worker. But I have gotten to know a thing or two about physiology and how the mind works. First the best defense is a good offense. Take control of the situation and don’t show any fear. People and animals know fear when they sense it and that is the worst way to start working. Next make your mind up and don’t back down unless you have to. As Admiral Grace said, “it’s easier to ask forgiveness than it is to ask permission”. I take that to mean to know your stuff and act accordingly. Finally know your enemy, take your time and study them well. Get to understand there weakness and learn to out maneuver them. It’s so much better when you get people to work with you than against you. And how much better when people get used to working the way you’re going to work anyways.

Medication

I’m taking a lot of medication in a day, too much actually but it’s doing the job. It’s second nature to me when I wake up, after the evening news and when I go to bed. It’s become a ritual of medication and supplement (CoQ 10, Fish Oil, etc.), it vary’s in types and numbers, I’ve become pretty good at spotting the difference it makes in me. I’ve been under a lot of stress recently and my blood pressure has risen as a result. I very faithfully keep a log of my blood pressures and bring it along to the doctor to support what I’m feeling. When I noticed my BP rising I brought it to my doctors attention and she raised one of my prescriptions. That same log shown that the medication wasn’t working effectively. So I reviewed my list of medications that I also keep faithfully and tracked down a previous regime that gave me better results. I then switched my medication and got the results I wanted but rest assured that I consulted with my doctor by email.


I would like to point out that I have no medical training what so ever but I do have a feel for my body. I’ve been on the medications long enough that I have an idea what they do for me. I have read about the medications and the effects of each drug. While I’m not qualified at all to prescribe for others I feel confident to make minor adjustments in my own. And I do consult with my doctor frequently and never try to do her job for her. It’s all a part of being proactive with my doctor in trying to do what right for me. As I’ve mentioned I have to go once a month for regular test of my blood with pretty good results. I managed to eat my green leafy vegetables and keep my medication under control. I can usually report that I have no problems, no complaints. And that’s good for me and my wallet


I think that the reason I survived my stroke so well was exercise and diet, sad as it was. I tried to eat as well as I could, limit my red meat consumption and drink plenty of red wine. That was my downfall really, I loved red wine. But I had plenty of vegetables and fruit, whole grains were a must. I tried to feed my body good healthy food to sustain it for the hard work I require of it. My stroke was one of those come to god moments they describe. It really got my attention and got me interested in what I eat and what I feel. Though my friend Lorraine I learned to keep a BP log and a list of medications. I keep that medication log with me wherever I go without fail. If something happens to me I hope they’ll find it. On my cell phone I have my emergency number and my doctors number listed. I’ve already given my doctor a patient directive in case thing don’t go well but I don’t see it as negative in anyway. How else would anyone know what I want in the event that I shouldn’t be able to speak. I’ve talked with my friends and they all know my wishes. It’s all a part of being proactive about my life and my death. Nothing negative about it, all positive and all planned.


Let me stress again the importance of a blood pressure log, it’s the best way to support you with your doctor. It is the easiest way for you and your doctor to know what’s going on with your heart and it’s pressure. The added bonus is it show anyone that you care enough to be a active participant in your healthcare. In this day of unwanted tests and rising prices it helps to support your desires and your right. Make a list of questions you may have for your doctor, in my case any changes to my medication can be listed on my log. Be as active in your healthcare as possible, any life you save could be your own.


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Latina Angle from our first shoot. Such a pretty young lady and such a chip on her lovely shoulder.

Failure

After getting my life back in order somewhat I felt like such a failure in life. It was part of the stroke I know now but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. I’m going to go slow and easy on this post because I haven’t quite worked it out yet so bear with me. I am a competitive personality type, I hate for people to be driving ahead of me and I hate standing in lines. I’m not so bad that I keep switching lines or lanes but I do watch to see who wins. When it comes to work I am there with the best but I do know my role in the shoot. When I assisted I often had people under me but I was very sharing about my knowledge and the way things were done. I would let people fail when it wasn’t important but a good opportunity for them to learn. I’m a big proponent of the teaching moment as the only way we learn.


So when I had my stroke it was one grand teaching moment after another, it was madding to me as a person. At first I could only concentrate on the things I’d lost, that took up pretty much the first year. I was devastated by not being able to think, write and have limited function of my limbs. I was afraid of everything around me. Suddenly my life as I knew it was cut off from me and I was rudderless. I lost friends and acquaintances as though I had some major disease or was terminally ill. My circle of friends suddenly grew smaller and though it was traumatic to me it was really for the best. I just couldn’t cope with all those people and personality types. But unfortunately I lost my business contact as well and that proved to be a bigger problem for me and my personal economy. When your business contacts dry up your business does too.

Dealing with people is the hardest thing I must learn to do, I’ve lost that ability of easy communication. I no longer have that ability for the rapid back and forth of ideas, I’m left with a mental sort of stutter. I can process the information that I’m getting but not as fast, certainly not fast enough to keep up my end of the conversation. It is most pronounced when I feel under pressure to perform. We all perform in some sense or another all the time when you consider it. Even sitting and chatting with a business friend over coffee. No one seems to notice but me and I’m acutely aware of my problem. I tend to let the other person carry the conversation, I can keep up sort of but I get frustrated to be so slow. There’s a time lag in my head that keeps me off balanced or just a second too slow. Writing is not as hard because I can think at my own pace and no one is looking over my shoulder.

So now the hard part of the equation, how do I make my money now? I had a basic game plan for my life and I was busy living it. Then everything and I mean everything stopped for two years while I had to regroup. In the meantime life and technology have passed me by and I’m left further behind than I was to start. It’s easy to see life as a failure, my share of life in the pasted tense, my productive years behind me. But I can’t afford to survey my life in such negative terms for my own state of mind or health. I need to view life as a continuum, as evolving to something better and newer despite my afflictions. I need to see my life as having meaning and value. That the things I have done since my recovery as a on going commitment to the continuation of life. I need to remember that my goals are only postponed not ended, that I have to push even harder to make them a reality.


I am using this format to help me learn and grow in my technical knowledge. Though this blog I’m hoping to introduce my art and my mind to people and to get validation. In the six months I have been writing I’ve met some fabulous people who’d I’d have never met any other way. Slowly people are getting to know me and value me and I’m so pleased. I watch as my readers grow and the time that they are spending reading grows. One could not hope for a greater beginning.

Terror

After living my life for the past three years in terror of dying any moment I’ve reach a certain peace. I’m able to read about my stroke and my medications. I don’t know whether it’s a certain fatalism or trust that I’m doing the right things. I’m unsure if I’ve decided to be positive or if I’m resigned to my fate; I don’t really care at this point I’m happy to have survived. When I had my stroke living was the number one priority besides getting to a better point in life. It also dawned on me exactly how hard it is to kill a human being. I had to concentrate on getting into a much different fame of mind as far as my health went. That I needed to get back my strength was obvious but my mental state was just as precarious. I knew that getting back to where I could think clearly was going to take at a minimum three to four years. After that I’d be as healed as I was likely to get given my age and former lifestyle.

I’ve started by taking a good look at my medications and what they do for me and to me. I realize that I’m taking some heavy duty stuff with lot of consequences. They affect everything from the growth of my nails, to my balance and my libido. Everything is clouded by these medications and the frequency with which I take them. Morning, evening and bedtime are a ritual of pills including one which helps me to sleep. One is for anxiety which was known to me but from which I never suffer too badly or at least I had my mechanisms to cope. Did I mention that booze is not longer among the mechanism I can employ. Probably for the best but the jury is still out. If I should contract a major illness all bets are off but for now I’ll be good. I am trying to cope with the medications, the limits on my thinking and on my abilities. It’s time to develop new strategy’s to cope with changes in my life and times.

I feel that I am now getting to the point in my recovery where I can make informed decisions in life. No I’m not able to think as clearly or as fast as I once took for granted. Gone is any desire to return to the competitive work that I once knew. Gone too is any ability to keep up with the punishing lifestyle of a commercial photographer. So obviously some changes in strategy are in order. I have to decided what the values are in my life, what’s important as I go forward. Frankly how will I be able to survive in this new world I find myself in. I’ve got to prioritize my desires and my realities and assign a real value to each of them. No longer do the old values have the meaning they once held for me and my future. I have been trying a new endeavors that have long term possibility along with my photography but it’s the short term I’m worried about. That worry seem to be a common denominator in today’s world and will be for some time to come. But we can’t be held back by our fears of the world and what it may bring. After all I could step off a curb and be hit by a truck tomorrow. Then where would all my worry have gotten me.

My Girls

I’ve gotten some complains about my use of the term girls when I refer to my models. In particular the term my girls sets some people off. The wife of a photographer friend was particularly incensed at my use of the term. Then after meeting me she realized my meaning of the way I feel about my girls. I do not mean it in a proprietary sense but a protective sense. I think of "my girls" as a group of young women who chose to work with me and I have a responsibility to them. A responsibility to treat them right and to protect their reputation from harm both in the present and the future. Many people go through a period of their lives with blinders on. They do not have a sense of the future and how their acts today could harm future prospects. It’s almost like their sealed in amber and they can’t conceive of a future different than the present.

Cocooned in their innocents and blinded by the thought that they are invincible. They haven’t learned that the world can be a cruel and unforgiving place. That the acts that they engage in can and do have horrible repercussions in the real world. I think of so many of the girls I’ve know who willing followed me out to the middle of nowhere to do my photographs. I consider too those girls who haven’t chosen so well and haven’t made it back. I feel so sadden for those girls who were just following their dream and how those dreams turned into a nightmare for them. As I say I have a responsibility for and to my girls to make sure that they have a good and a safe time. That the adventure of shooting with me is a positive experience. That their adventure with me, their faith in me never harms their futures lives.

I think I pick girls for their independence and their joy of life and sense of adventure. I instinctively know that the odd are that they will make something of their lives. They’re not going to be limited by what they appear to be today. My girls are intelligent and thoughtful and have a well developed sense of themselves and a drive in life. Some turn out to be teachers, business owners and mothers all are wonderful women. I have no other agenda for them except photographic. I want nothing more than to be given the opportunity to capture them at this moment in their lives. To record this period in their lives and to help them understand their lives better. Maybe to be more comfortable in their skins and to be more confident in life. Nothing pleases me more to see that look of confidence in their eyes and to know I had a part to play. As a older man in these young women lives I have done the right thing by them and I have play fair by them. It is and remains a great responsibility and one that I treasure greatly.

Comic Relief

Not everything I shoot is sexy and dramatic, some is just comic relief. It’s hard work shooting nudes that are personality based as I do. Sometimes my models have to blow of a little steam and be themselves. I find that I often love these shots more that the money shots that we do because they show the absurdity of life. The models personality comes out and the good time that we are having. The trust too come shining through as well as the confidence that we share. I love these shots for the spontaneous nature of them, the sheer joy in them. I’ve had girls acting down right silly, that is a part of their charm. That is a part of them that I cherish and try my damnest to capture.

It’s that sense of play that fascinates me, that sense of self that I want to evoke and try to capture. That’s why I choose nudes to work with rather than clothed model. I don’t want anything to get in the way of the real person, the essence of her self. Once you have clothes you make a judgement on her style, the period of time and her sense of wealth. Many subtitle habit come into play for the viewer especially a sense of time. I want my models to be as timeless as possible but not ageless. A small distinction to some but of great importance to me. I want my models to represent themselves as the age they are but I encourage them to those ageless qualities that I find so important. In all other aspects of life they are required to “act your age”. With me I want them to just play, use their minds and be the age they feel at that particular moment in time and place. That’s what I’m trying to capture on film, that discovery of self. Those periods of timelessness of the person with the backgrounds not providing a distraction.

I want for my backgrounds to provide a complement to the overall construction of my image. Whether it’s a barn or churchyard or a plain wall in my home I want it to fade from thought. I want for the model to take center stage to play the major part in my image. And for the focus to be on her, what she thinks and feels and who she is. That’s the role of my model, that’s the focus of my images. I want for nothing else to distract from that moment that we are trying to capturing, nothing. I want for my model to be as unaware of me as possible too. For me to fade into the periphery of their consciousness as a minor distraction. So they can imagine and play the roles that they envisions in they’re minds.

It’s that ability to hide in plain sight that I value in my shooting as well. In the event photography it’s an invaluable assets. To be able to blend into the background so perfectly that I’m not really noticed. It’s a lot harder when you’re working with a model and it’s just the two of you. That why I seldom use music to set a mood, I want my model to create her reality. That’s a big part of what I value in a model, that ability to create a mood and a sense of who she is to give my creations life. I want them to feel able to just let go and be who they are and to try on different personalities to see how each fits. Women are so wonderful at playing; I guess it’s a hold over from childhood and playing dress-up. You can’t fake this ability, you either have it or you don’t. In my work that’s what sets the really good model apart from the mediocre. To forget herself so completely that’s she’s operating on sheer instinct and a really endearing side is shown. No matter what I’ve asked of my model in this context it’s that ability to ignore what I’m up to and concentrate on the self. It’s that ability that allows me to create my vision of them for a moment in time. I too need that ability to forget about the mechanics of what I’m doing to create the space for magic to lend a hand and let us create something of beauty and grace. I can’t thank my models enough for this opportunity to be creative. To place themselves and their trust in me and my abilities as a photographer.

Trust

There been some talk lately about how you can’t trust photographers once they have taken nude photos of you. I resent that kind of take as untrue, I have many models I am protecting from harm. I think it’s part and parcel of being a nude photographer and working with such young models. I prefer models who have some life experience and are at an age where they can make responsible decision. Never the less it take age to bring home decisions we all make as young adults. The things we’ve all done take on a different responsibility once we get into our thirties.


I would certainly hate to be judged by the decisions I made in my early twenties. I always felt that at age twenty-four I was just becoming an adult. It took me another six years to feel that I’d grown into myself. To feel that I finally had some responsibility for myself and others. I couldn’t denied it any longer..., I was an adult. In my twenties I was still experimenting with myself, getting used to the way the world worked. I was trying on different personalities, different lifestyles to see which ones fit and which ones still needed to be tweaked. I see young people making decisions that affect the rest of their lives and having to live with the consequences. And in some cases having to die for the consequences so I’m willing to cut some slack to my models.


My ideal model is age twenty-four but I will shoot with a girl as young as eighteen if the circumstances are correct. I feel if a girl has started modeling or dancing then she is entitled to the best photographer she can interest in her. For these young women I feel a real protective streak in me. I want to help shape their careers and life choices. A few time I have run afoul of their growing experiences and of the age that they are. A few models have pointedly said that they already have a father but if that’s the worst they can say about me I’ll live with that. I forget that some battles are timeless and well fought out. But some girls don’t have an effective father figure or adviser who can help steer them. A few girls are left to flounder and to fend for themselves as best they can. Life can be a hard scrabble for them and a steady influence is welcome.


I feel as though I owe them that chance at their dream or the vision that drives them. I am honest and fair with them, I shoot a polaroid of every setup I shoot and encourage them to ask for one if their unsure what I’m getting. I’m asking for their trust in me and my vision, I show them contact sheets for their approval first before I ever ask them to sign anything. I have some models who I work without a release, asking their permission before I publish anything. With some girls I ask them for a particular shot and if their not happy with it I won’t use it. I’m asking them to allow my vision free range and we’ll deal with the appropriateness later after we’ve had a chance to view the final work. Trust is of paramount importance to me and for my models. I have the responsibility to hold that trust and it’s a responsibility I value.

Thea

Blood

Six vials of blood, three painful sticks, including one butterfly and a hour and a half later I find out my platelet’s are normal. Lord I hate getting blood drawn and this was the hematologist no less. I did tell him that I was beginning to feel like a pin cushion though, then he used the butterfly in my hand. But after enduring him digging for a vein and not finding one I’d had enough. All in all he wasn’t too bad and didn’t hurt me much. I’ve learned to be relaxed and cool no matter what happens. You never want the person drawing your blood to get flustered or to lose their cool, you’re the one who suffers. But it’s taken a lot of blood to get the process down so my pain is usually minimal.

When I started getting blood drawn regularly I made it my business to be friendly and courteous. I made sure to get on a first name basis with everyone and I soon learned who was especially good. Then one day there came a guy who was new and who asked me as I sat down why I was so nervous. I hadn’t been up until that point and told him so. He continued to prepare my arm and told me how much it would hurt if I didn’t relax. I realize that he was messing with me and I told him no way I was going to let him stick me period. Then he tried to play nice, I told him it was too late for that and that I wanted another lab tech. So I guy I knew well came over and did it for me. I found out the guy was giving everybody a hard time but I was the only person who spoke up.

When I was in the hospital was the worst, not the every day people but the ones on night shift. To them I was just another stick before they were back in the lab and didn’t have to hurt anyone. I’m probably giving them too much credit but they were the most inconsiderate people I had to deal with. They couldn’t even shut my door or turn off the lights when they left. I had to scream bloody murder to get them to come back and do the right thing. It may seem like a small point but remember I was paralyzed on my right side and getting into the wheelchair was a big production. Not to mentioned that some of them left me with a numb left arm. I managed to channel all my frustrations and anger into that yell and it got results.

Now it’s tolerable, I get regular sticks and though I never learn the people names I generally get good sticks. There are on occasion the excellent people who never hurt you at all. But it’s all in your attitude and luck I find. Because I’m on Coumadin I need to go for blood test every month without fail. I paid a high price once by letting it slide because I was busy. I came home from assisting and felt a bone deep ache in my muscles. I wanted to soak in the tub which is unusual for me. Before I could I had to call a friend to watch over me in case I couldn’t get out. While laying there I started to feel unwell and moved to leverage myself out of the tub. I had my arms bracing me and I suddenly felt something let go and I watched as my lower arm filled with blood. Panicked I got out of the tub and tried to dry off but felt too weak and went to the bed to sit-down. By the time I could explain to my friend my leg too had filled with blood and was beginning to change colors.
I had to make arrangements for someone to cover for me the next day and then spent the rest of the night worrying. The next day I turned up at the lab with a leg that had turned black and an arm to match. I was told to have a vitamin K shot and for god sake not hit my head. Then I was sent home and left to my own devices. My personal doctor who I went to for the shot was outraged and called the clinic to tell them about my treatment.

Now after having a stroke I’m much more conscious of my health and my blood. I take good care with my medications, eat the right foods or at least I try and for the most part have given up drink. I also keep a log of my blood pressures to know what there doing. I’m much more a willing partner in my health care and I’m a better patient for it. I feel much more in control and able to make decisions in regards to my life and that’s a good feeling.

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Women In Art Have a look.

Economy

My personal economy has hit me pretty hard this year, I’ve had to put my plans on hold for now. The first of the year a good client I’d been counting on was let go to find a new job. We had been planning a series of shoots that would have carried me well into the new year. I’ve been working with her for over 5 year now and it was a great working relationship. I’ve been giving the person who replace her a chance to settle in before I contact them. Then another client gave me word that his budget has been scaled back by 15%, that was where my money was to be found. Again another 5 year relationship that had worked well gone in a heartbeat. So now I’m left scrambling and trying to make other contact’s work and I’ve had to scale back as a result.

It’s a tough life being a free-lancer, everyone seem to think that it’s great that you can work as you please. The reality is you work when you can and the other time is spent trying to get work. I had a friend come to visit and I told her I just needed a couple of minutes on the phone then we’d go for breakfast. Three hours later I was ready and she was starved.. Funny life not knowing where your next paycheck is coming from or when it will arrive. In the pasts I’ve had my share of fallow periods, feast or famine. Period of where I’ve had to move to find work and then needed the time to start over and build up contacts. But I’m too old for that now and I have setup roots.

The stroke is another determining factor I no longer have that ability to scramble like I use to. Now I think and move slower and I don’t process things and quickly as I should. Hell maybe it’s my age, I don’t know anymore but I still care as if were yesterday. I’m working with a number of friends trying new things and the tried and true things. But nothing is happening fast enough to suit me or my creditors. I know that given enough time I can pull through, I’ve got a whole history build upon that, I’m just impatient. Now there is a lot more competition and their a lot younger and not as much opportunities to go around. It’s survival of the fittest in it’s finest tradition and I have to get used to my place. But damn it’s hard when your used to being number one in the food-chain. I’m not ready yet to seed my place in the line but I may not have the choice any longer.

So gone is my small buffer for future work for the time being. I have to concentrate on the immediate future instead of investing in a longer range plans for now. I’ve taken the last year to sort of retool my thinking and my skills to make a better match for the new demands. Change is hard, it never was easy but we all have to confront it head on or be pushed aside. I keep thinking of all those nature show of wolf packs. Snow flying everywhere trying to catch their prey and the older wolf falling behind and not being able to catch-up. Wolves don’t have a very good retirement plan only sharp teeth..., and the teeth that get there first are the only one’s that eat.

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My friend Esperanza, she came down for a quick shoot by the glass wall and had such a good time she called in sick and spent the afternoon.