Women

Women are wondrous creatures, they seem to have figured out the way to deal with there feeling that men never have. Even so august a woman as Margaret Thatcher is said to have needed a good cry then got on with the business of sending men to war. Women will cry when their happy, women will cry when their sad or frustrated and worst of all, women will cry when they are angry. Unlike men they don’t hold their feeling in for long and once it reach’s that teary stage be prepared for anything. I’m not making light of this ability, it’s one that I respect in it’s effect on the male population. Men have no natural defense against it and usually fail to understand it complexity but we all understand it’s effectiveness. Men through training or because of our nature tend to hold things in and hold grudges until death, our death.

I needed to get in touch with my more feminine side when I had my stroke. I needed to mourn what I had lost. I felt so alone in the hospital so completely vulnerable and broken that I had only instinct to lead me. I had to keep trying to put one foot in front of another, keep trying to move my arm so that I would have a chance at a life again. No matter how much I wanted there was no room for the sorrow I felt for me. Somehow I needed to make that time and space for me to greave. One day in speech therapy I was so frustrated by the lesson that I broke down and cry my eyes out, after I felt so relieved. My therapist let me have the time I needed and then came back to my room with me and made sure I was all right. She even changed the sheets on my bed and wished me a good evening. A small comfort but a comfort none the less.

Then during my long convalesce I started feeling so down and out, feeling of worthlessness washed over me in wave after wave. I felt like a rudderless ship bobbing in the sea. There were movies that got to me, manipulated me so ruthlessly that I couldn’t hold back my emotions. I spoke to one doctor about it and my feelings because after all the hard work I was doing I didn’t feel like I was making the progress that I wanted. I needed to feel like I was living a productive life again or at least the hope that I ever would. I was trying to walk around my neighborhood to build up my strength and to build coordination. But my anxiety and the dogs soon put a stop to that permanently so of course the answer was anti-anxiety medications. But my body and mind were on different pages, nothing I could do was working and that separation was hindering my recovery.

A couple of years into my recovery I was sitting in a café waiting for a my friend to show up for breakfast. I started sweating and I could feel my heart beating in my chest too fast. It felt like I had the flu, my legs and arms felt so heavy and I thought that I needed to get to the hospital quick. But I didn’t know how I’d get out of the café short of calling EMS to haul me out and that was just too public. So I close my eyes, breathed deeply and repeat..., slowly inhale deeply and exhale..., repeat. Ever so slowly I could feel my heart slow, the crowd noises made a pleasant hmm, slowly I went to a happy place. Not a destination or a real place but somewhere deep in my mind where I could control things..., I felt better. The heaviness I felt in arms and then my legs lifted. My heart slow and I didn’t feel so clammy, I smiled knowing I was getting this under control. I felt like the Buddha sitting in my little Mexican Café smiling, with eyes closed and in full control of what was going on in me. As I resurfaced I felt refreshed and calm, the happiness that filled me was so new and fresh. By the time my friend arrived I could tell her about my experience and I was relaxed and calm. I often use this technique to fall asleep though I enjoy the help of a sleeping pill to make sure I get the rest I need. Never let anyone fool you, we are in control of our body and minds.

Pills, lots and lots of pills

I’ve finally learned to take a pill, lots and lots of pills. I was fifty-nine when I learned to take them by the handful. I’ve also learned that there is a direct correlation between what I ingest and my health or lack thereof. Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks. I’m coming to this realization late I confess so don’t get mad at me. I learn a lot of things at a glacial pace and I realize it and readily confess; I maybe slow but I’m certainly not very fast. The stroke had a lot to do with my current knowledge. I’m working with my doctor to fine tune my health so I certainly cannot speaking for the masses by any means.

The first thing I learned is that doctors do not know what your real condition will be. Like the weather they can only tell you what the prognosis is according to what the majority of patient have done. You are unique to them and your ability’s and desires will take you where your body decides. The doctors and nurses figured I’d never walk again, that is if I survived the stroke in the first place. I fooled them and that gave me no end of pleasure. My recovery was a test of wills, mind over body to get the results I wanted. Not to say that it was easy or pleasant, a lot of hard work and sweat went into my recovery and it surprised a number of people not only me. I was blessed with the desire to recover and I had the muscle mass and the brain power to get the job done.

When I had the stroke it felt like my arm was dislocated from the shoulder socket from just hanging there. My arm had recovered remarkably well and I felt it was finally healing. But my arm was going bad on me, a lot of pain when I moved it and reaching the mouse on the computer was excruciatingly painful. So I saw my doctor and a physical therapist and they made pronunciation on me and my arm. But that didn’t seem right to me and I kept looking for answers that would satisfy me and let me get to work on them. The therapist said something about hyper-extending and recommended therapy but to me that sounded like something I was doing and therefor was curable if only I could find out what. So I bought a wireless mouse and the pain in my arm finally cleared. Not rocket science granted but knowing my body saved me the expense and therapy.

More recently I was having a bad time with my G.I. system and even had some bleeding as a result. I asked my doctor about it, she asked me about food and if I could have had some bad water; sounded like I was living under third world conditions. She recommended a series of test beginning with my blood and ending up in a colonoscopy which I wasn’t too thrilled about. I told her I didn’t “feel” like I’d eaten something bad. But I kept looking and kept a record of when it affected me. Sure enough one day I was making coffee and I refilled the jug I keep my filter water in, I though it looked a little odd. There was a slight discoloration that turned out to be a kind of mold and the filter itself had gone way to long without replacement. I corrected that problem and my G.I. problems cleared up in about a week or so. Turns out I was living like a third world person and was being poison by my water.

Remember that you are unique and your body is unique. Know what’s going on with your body, for your sake keep records of your treatments and the problems you are having. I can’t recommend keeping a log of your blood-pressures enough. I have the utmost regards for my doctor and her abilities and I trust her with my life. But in these days of doctors being under such pressure to deliver I want mine to be a part of my health. I keep mine updated on what I think is going on with my body because I know it best. If something doesn’t feel right then it’s not. I’ve realized that my body is a high performance machine and I need to make sure it’s running as well as it can.

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From my New York Phase, I loved playing with the light

Writers

I have a new appreciation for my friends who write columns and what they go through on a week to week basis. Coming up with one story line after another is a hard way to make a living. I can see why some scan the blogs and Twitter for ideas. I recently pitch an idea about my stroke to a friend and she was so happy. At least it took the pressure off her for one more story and this one fell into her lap. I feel like it’s time to tell my story to a larger audience so I’m trying to take my story to the media. I’m talking to some interviewers for the television stations locally and see if their interested. May is National Stroke Month and my story needs to be told to give some people the hope for a more normal life. I think that by being open an honest about what happened to me and talking about what I’m able to do now will ease people’s fears. I hope to give them some answers they need to hear. At least that’s the reason I started this blog.

I stare at a blank screen with a solid blinking slash just waiting for words to pour forth. The last few days I’ve had a problem spelling words and thinking clearly. Not to worry, I’ve had the problem before and will again but it does give one pause. Like Lin I have trouble writing with a pen. Unlike her I can use the keyboard fairly well but my thinking sometimes goes astray. Words look funny to me and I’m not sure if there spelled right. I check the dictionary often and the thesaurus is my friend. I discovered that trick when I was recovering from my stroke and was learning to type again. I’d often spell the word so wrong or couldn’t think how to begin to spell it, I was lost. Rather than use a simple word I wanted to use the word I liked, nothing else would do. But how does one think of a word when one isn’t thinking clearly.

Often this blog writes itself but gets hijacked, I start off with one paragraph then I write another one that starts a chain of though that has nothing to do with the first paragraph. My last blog was like that, it didn’t quite write itself but I was thinking of things and they just came out. I’m reading Jean Auel’s series “Clan of the Cave Bear”, I’m on the forth book of the series “Plains of Passage”. The heroine remind’s me of a girlfriend I once had. The hair color and the straight forward manner, no she wasn’t a cave-women but she was strong. So when I read the book I can see her or at least I see enough of her that it take’s me back. One of my comments asked why I had written that particular piece. It dovetailed with what Dr. Lightness was thinking about another subject all together. That’s the magic in what we write and the viewer read, thought’s dovetail and mesh together. When that happens you feel a kind of cosmic rush and an overflow of magic.

Of course there the hell of writing first. You know what they say “writing is easy, you just look at the blank sheet of paper till the drops of blood break out on your forehead”. Or that’s the hell of writing for a deadline, tick tick tick. Every second, every blink of the cursor is another second lost or if your lucky gained in the quest to write the perfect piece. A piece that will touch each reader somewhere, whether it asking questions. Or amplify’s what the reader is already thinking about. I love when that cosmic connection is made and two minds meet and think alike. My blog has been the bridge that carries me far away to distant lands and minds. And somehow we meet and shake hand’s and say I know what you mean.

Women

In my younger years I could usually get the last word on any subject, except with women that is. It was a blessing when I learned that even if I won I’d really lost. That was a hard one to learn and accept with grace and good humor. But I did learn to hand them a glass of wine and apologize for being wrong, it saved a lot of time. Sting was famous for saying that he and his wife had Tantric sex for eight hours. Then when he got a little older he admitted that six hours was spent begging..., I like that one. But life goes better when you learn that whatever you did was wrong and get the apology over. Even if you don’t mean it! I’m being frivolous of course but really it’s easier and life is too short already.

Once I was traveling with my girlfriend and she had come down with a really bad cold and wouldn’t take anything for it. We finally arrived at the town were we going and to the theater. We’d barely managed to avoid a huge argument on the way down and I had decided that the best course of action was to ignore her mood and carry on. I introduced her to my friend who’s play it was and she just basically stood there and said little. I told my friend about her cold and told him his wasn’t really feeling her best and he understood. Later at the hotel when we were getting ready for bed I told my girlfriend that I though it was much better to cut our mini-vacation short as she wasn’t feeling well. That I felt bad for her because I knew she was miserable and couldn’t enjoy herself. Leaving out the part where she was making me feel miserable too. She decided to take a minimum of medication instead of trying to power through and we had a nice time after all. I think the best part of any minor illness is to be able to rub Vicks on their chest. At least it make me feel better!

The point is I made my concern for her plain and as a result I got to feel better and the trip was saved because of it. This young lady didn’t like western medicine and didn’t like taking pills. So I went along with her wishes and when they weren’t working I suggested a way to resolve the problem, I work with her instead of against her. For every problem there is a way around it if your willing to look hard enough to find it. Most times you need time to work out the problems so take some time to work out the problems. But most of the problems are something you said in haste or in anger. And most things can be solved by taking the time to discuss them and the willingness to consider both side of an argument and to be willing to talk about them.

Of course I live alone and have for the last decade, I find that it the best lifestyle for me especially as I age. I can work anytime that I feel like it and just being alone can calm me and the silence is golden. I love my music when it’s appropriate but I love silence as well. I get a great peace of mind that comes over me when I’m writing or working on ideas. A great deal of my time is spent communicating with friends and colleagues. When I’m actually shooting I have to spend a lot of time talking to people, giving directions and inter-reacting with them and I need this space of mine. It’s not the best lifestyle for all but for me it seems to make the difference I need. I spend a lot of time working out different problems I have and coming up with ideas for my shoots, different story lines that might work.

Speaking of work I seem to have gotten back into the groove. I’ve contacted my clients about work and I’ve gotten some positive results. I needed to let some time pass before I could approach them about new images. I’m also trying some new thing to help supplement my income. But it’s daunting to pitch different ideas, not something I’m use to now and it does take skill to do it well. But it’s lovely to feel in control of my future again and to have a direction that seems positive at last. In every economy some little grains of compromise seem to happen and we need to nurture them and take the time to listen to that inner voice and work with them and not against them.

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From Fiesta, The King William Fair my title is "Thinking of You"

Storm Palms

I’ve been working on my resume to get it up to date so I can look for work. My usual contact have been very helpful and have given some ideas to try. I’ve never seen the economy this bad in all my years in business. It’s a real struggle for every one in business right now. Tourism, hotels and the convention business are all suffering with the downturn. This isn’t just my personal business mind you, from everything I hear and read the downturn is very well spread out affecting everyone worldwide. I would hate to be a young college student starting out looking for a career right now. Something about an old curse about living in interesting times; well the times are very interesting right about now.

I had good news today that one of my clients is still interested in updating their website. So I may get some work in my chosen profession but I’m not counting my chickens yet. What I’m trying to do is spread my net a little further and incorporate more of my talents and skills. Hence the update of my resume, so much different from my professional one. But I think the skills translate well and with a balance of the two I should be able to survive and get back to shooting my nude series again. Then get some prints made and begin to search for galleries to show my work. At least that’s the long term plan that I had been working on before I had my stroke. It feels good to finally get back into the groove and it’ll be even better to get back to work again. I’ve had a slow couple of month and that’s affected my thinking and my game plan really. I’m in so much better a place now that I have some hope for the future. That’s critical to my thinking and to my survival.

Worldwide people are suffering and wondering what to do or where to go now. These are not normal times, this is the beginning of a new order of thing worldwide. I don’t think that people have a handle on the way things are going quite yet but the old order is fighting tooth and nail to stay on top. The automobile, energy both coal and oil are digging in there heels and saying keep the statue quo for the foreseeable future. I think that the old ways, the tried and true ways are changing whether we like it or not. In my own business conventions are down, people are telecommuting to save on costs while budgets are tight. Adverting has been hit, budget are strained if not completely cut. Hotel rooms are going empty and it’s lets make a deal time.

So when times are tough, the tough get going. You’ve probably heard that ad nauseam. But it is so true that it bears repeating, get going and make something happen in your life for your future. Just like it past time in this country that we need to make thing that people will buy. It’s time we all take a hint and try making something of ourselves that people will buy. In my own business life I belong to several groups that happen to send out newsletters with special events. I’ve been reading them monthly and I’ve finally found something to wrap up and sell. It’s a new look and feel to an old business interest of mine. I’m not ready to give up yet. To get back to the original point I was making, I’d hate to be young and getting ready to graduate from college now. Times are hard and I’ve learned to survive in hard time, I know what it like. Most student don’t they’ve been sheltered from life’s worst aspect and don’t know anything but the academic world. I wish them much luck in getting their feet firmly planted in the world’s new order of things. Remember that the best of times are still ahead, there are a few obstacles to pilot around first but we can all do it.

Age

For those of us who make it, age is a wondrous adventure. It’s a time of rediscovery and a time to take stock of our lives. It’s a time where we know what we want if not how to get it. It’s also a time to be honest about our lives, what got us to this point. What are our strength and weakness, where do we begin this next chapter of out lives. How to make the best of these years so that we can go out with dignity and some sense of order. I look and listen as around me people die from the accumulated lives the have lived, some good and some less so. All those things we did in our youth come back to haunt us, to point a finger at us. I’ve gotten off pretty easy so far, I hope to continue living a charmed life for awhile yet.


Now the hard part begins, the dirty day to day part, the hard slogging part. Life is mine to reinvent, to make of it what I will if I only have the strength and courage to make it a reality. The stroke has left my self-confidence shaken to it’s very core. I worry everyday over the smallest of details and those details threaten to consumed me. I fear that I’ve lost a part of myself that was essential to living my life as I knew it. I’m struggling to get that part of me that was so confident and self-assured back into place. I know it didn’t disappear into space, I hope I can recapture that vital part of my thinking. It’s been a long recovery and it’s not quite over yet. A brain injury takes three years to show any real improvement, the first two years are spent healing. Getting back the functions that one takes for granted, like breathing and moving. Those are skills learned in childhood and refined over a lifetime of practice. You don’t just get those skills back you have to relearn them and that take’s time.

I’ve been using my tourism group to help me practice all of my skills especially meeting people and carrying on a conversation. Because of my mental stutter I’m more comfortable around people I know and know about my stroke. It’s much harder to meet people cold and to be searching around for words to fill the vacuum. When I have the camera it deflects a lot of the communicating, I can hide behind the camera and my work instead of talking. With the economy there’s
no reason to bring the camera so I have to invent another reason for being there. I’ve always sat and watched the group for my shots, for people of interest but that’s not communicating that’s telling a story. I have to get back the art of meeting people. Being able to glad hand someone and to make it seem effortless. That’s a real skill and it doesn’t come easily to me or for most people. It take’s confidence and self-assurance and an easy way of speaking. I have a new appreciation for people with a speech impediment. I also understand people with handicaps much better that I used to. When I was taking therapy there were some days I’d feel so down and lost. Then I’d look around and see the people who were hurt much worse than I and I’d feel blessed again.

Life is so much harder on some than others. Life is a difficult struggle, only the strong survive. As we age we are lulled into a complacency, to think that we are above the struggle because of our age, our life span. I guess that’s because people start holding the doors for us or people are kind to us and make allowances for us. Without noticing it we take that kindness for granted. Believe me the economy is the great leveler in out lives, it put’s each of us on a level playing field again. And when you are unsure of yourself that add to your burden.

Farewell

I went to a party last night for a friend of mine who was laid off earlier this year. It came without warning and surprised the community. It seems like three of the head people were laid off in the same period, three top earners in the company gone. Now we’re left with a hole in the tourism community and her parting will be missed. There were at least two others who were well connected with city projects who were also let go. We’ve always been well insulated in this state of ours as we do a lot of tourism business. But the time are hard and we’re not immune from the downturn. Our community also has a strong military base and in recent years that too has been affected. Now the life’s blood of our community is undergoing a new phase of development, the rules have changed and no one seems to know what they are.

I used to make a pretty decent living off tourism and the film industry in the days went they were humming. But now all bets are off and only the agile will survive. Everyone is left scrambling for a job the will give them some cash and hoping they can recover that lost income. But the days of easy money are over and we must all learn new ways of doing business. I’m thinking that the world of business has been shook up pretty good and that better day’s are ahead but we’re in for some rough times until then. I also feel that this is for the long term good of the world’s economy. We have to change out ways of doing business, get back to making things and not finances that no one can figure out. Blue collar, decent hard working people the world over have been hurt. Their share of the pie has been squandered and they have been left holding the empty bag. There is nothing wrong with labor and hard work, it’s been devalued for far too long. When my father was a young man he worked with his hands. He was a glass blower in his younger days and put in some really hard days. His handy work can still be seen in a few signs around town.

I think it also time that we as a country learn to grow up and start paying our own way. For too long our leader’s have been putting off the present by expecting the younger generation to foot the bills that we’re too cheap to pay. Everyone wants their cake and to be able to eat it too. More and more but let’s not bring up how much it’s costing, we’ll leave that to the future. We have to be willing to pay more in taxes to cover health cost. We have to be willing to pay more for gas to promote energy efficient cars and policies that make sense going forward. For a long time Republicans and Democrats have been playing a game of smoke and mirrors with us. We need to pay a more realistic cost to cover that expense. No one wants their taxes raised but we all want more services. We have to pay for them now and not put our expenses on the backs of the children. Europe has the right idea, they pay more in taxes and pay more for gas. Gasoline has been undervalued for so long that we have been cushion for years and years. That hasn’t meant that we haven’t been paying, it just’s come out of a different pocket. The government has been subsidizing a part of each gas purchase so we don’t know how much gas really costs. Smoke and mirrors, concentrate on the small stuff and watch the public divide.

I don’t know if the government plans will work out, I hope so with all my heart. We’re off to a good start but good start still means you have to run the race. We all have to pitch in and do what’s right for our country; Europe has one idea, Germany another and France yet another. Let’s hope they all succeed no one has an edge on the truth or know’s what to really do. But it’s time we level with the people who have the most to gain, the hard working people.